Saturday, 03 January 2009

• Swanocolypse NOW!

  Dear readers...terrible news. The swans are in league with the ducks...I saw it with my very own eyes, all our plans are for naught! And by that I mean, I got to stroke a swan today(euphemism). It had been assaulted(but not pressing charges) by a fisherman earlier in the day and was being released back into some river somewhere...swans have really soft featherfur.
  
  Before this however I took a trip to town and further to meet a friend of mine, only to find that all the trains to the first change were cancelled because some hobo had managed to stagger onto the track at Didcot, flag down a passing train, hijack it using a banana so foul the driver mistook it for a biological WMD and fled cowardly into the night(eventually to be consumed by a pair of shagging hedgehogs)as the hobo upgraded his new by converting the train into a steel plated platform of death armoured with rusty iron spikes and the remains of his enemies, just like a good little reaver ...I mean hobo. So I got the bus.
  
  Upon arriving at town I decided to stop off at a music shop and buy some new flute music, Yes I am arming myself for the impending duckocolpyse, practise what you preach that's what I always never say! however instead of actually taking my time to choose I spent 10 minutes helping one of the clerks explain to another of the clerks that the Dresden dolls are in fact NOT goth and that they are awesome punk and flirting with the first clerk somewhat however failing to get her number as she was taken and I almost suggested that that didn't matter but she seemed the faithful type and I had a train to catch(a second train, on a different line to the death hobo so it was perfectly safe and by catch I don't mean with a large glove as it doesn't work like that I'm told and I've never tried but I have terrible depth perception anyway) so I picked up some flute books that seemed vaguely useful and left having the distinct impression not only have I forgotten something but I also wanted now to strangle the first clerk as I ended up singing the 3rd verse to Girl Anachronism (for some reason losetube has deleted all the videos of the official video so this weird and almost hypnotic video will have almost hypnotic video will almost hypnotic hypnotic hypnotic ................................................................................................................................. to do) over and over again...
  
  Anyways I reached my final destination with no other issues and had a mighty pleasant walk along the river to a café and ate food and all was good until my friend decided it would be funny to pour my can of 7-UP INTO my hot chocolate. Yes, INTO. Now I will confess there are certain other mitigating circumstances that COULD, just COULD explain precisely why she did this and exonerate her entirely but I won't bore you with those instead join me in my outrage as I then, for reasons unbeknown to me CONSUMED, IN ENTIRETY 7-hot upchocolate.
  
  Then we stroked the swan.
  
  At one point I stopped off in a McDonald's to use the toilet...yes, McDonald's are evil but so is shitting on the street, well more embarrassing than evil plus you can get arrested for public indecency let alone the psychological ramifications being caught defecating in front of 4 year old's can have, I mean...they're curious, kids and that could be seriously traumatising to me, oh and I suppose it would upset them too...or something. Anyways yes, McDonald's toilet, now shortly before the entrance to the toilets is an image protected onto the floor of a body of water. what's more impressive is this image is interactive in such a way that stepping on one part causes ripples etc., just like if you were to dip your toes into any still pool of water. Now I have some SERIOUS questions regarding McDonald's choices here.
  
  Firstly, water...in front of the toilet, do they really think its wise to taunt those in desperate need of a wee?
  
  Secondly and probably much more importantly is the issue of hygiene. As I walked over this thing...there were 4 small children playing with it. Because letting your children crawl around on a McDonald's floor right outside the toilets is a real clever idea, kind of like snorting cancer. Now I'm not suggesting McDonald's floors are intrinsically unhygienic but to liken them to a festering pit of fetid putrescence reminiscent of the second half of Dante's Inferno, you know the bits I mean, the good bits about exiled popes having to clean their own entrails by licking them clean and using vomit as a cleaning agent...I mean it IS acidic.
  
  what's more a rather scandalous fellow by the name of Mr Knig had vandalised the toilet cubicle quite considerably. As I sat there I noticed he had however managed to misspell his name repeatability elsewhere so took a pen and corrected his mistake, Mr king indeed. Well I hope next time the young scallywag goes into there to admire his handiwork he'll appreciate the effort I've gone...if only I had a red pen.
  
  Upon leaving this establishment I came across a bunch of bmxers hoping over benches, bins and these large ornamental slabs of hillside and five feet away sat a gentlemen of approximately 70 sitting on a blue moped. My mind obviously decided he was with them so I stood around for about three minutes waiting for him to start bunny-hopping on a moped...I left disappointed like a castrated rabbit.
  
  And finally the Award for the most randomly attractive whilst wearing a store uniform goes to the cute violet haired chick in curries direct who managed to show cleavage despite wearing a polo shirt that if buttoned would blind. 8/10 lurking thumbs.
  
  p.s I'm on a park and ride bus on the way home, I look up to see an advertisement on the inside wall that gives directions on how to get to the park and ride stop...now, you can't get -on- this bus without having come from there originally so...why did they feel the need to post directions?
  
  
  

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